Linda Sands » funny

Let’s talk about food and state fairs.

Linda — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 19:14:26 +0000

That’s chocolate covered bacon on a stick. Yessir.

You can see my food on the stick post here. A list, some more pix and perhaps one of your favs?! Pig intestines on a stick, anyone?

It’s State Fair time. Time to battle crowds, eat a bunch of crap and puke on the tilt a whirl. Ah, memories.

Thinking about these large statewide gatherings reminded me how places like that help me find characters as a writer.

One year, I worked at the Columbia Record booth at the NY State Fair. I was supposed to con, I mean convince people to sign up for the club. I worked on commission only. I met so many people, heard stories, watched strangers interact with strangers and enjoyed the “game” they tried to throw at me. But after a few days of the same pitch, I started visiting the barns to see cows and horses, goats and newborn lambs. I did my job, but I also shopped other booths. Rode some rides. Got a few dates… and at the end of a week, when i’d seen about everything there was to see, I quit the job, and bought myself a pair of very cool cowboy boots which I wore backpacking through Europe years later.

Funny thing is, I still use pieces of the characters I met at that fair in my writing today. Some things just “stick” with you.

Isn’t it ironic?

Linda — Thu, 06 May 2010 11:14:21 +0000

Isn’t it ironic?

Betty Lou Lynn, the woman who portrayed Thelma Lou, on The Andy Griffith Show moved to Mount Airy, NC ( the town that inspired Mayberry) to avoid crime of big cities.

Last week, she had her wallet stolen in a local shopping center.

Police arrested Shirley Walter Guynn, of Cana, Va.

I find it doubly ironic that the dude’s name is Shirley.…

Let's talk books. And book covers.

Linda — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:57:00 +0000

For as many of my author friends who are ecstatic about the way their book covers turned out.. there must be someone in the wings feeling a bit put out.

Have you seen this story? Got to agree with the author on that one.
And then there’s this one: Yikes.

There is even a contest for the worst covers. Here’s the 2005 finalists.

Some bad book covers I found are funny because they’re out dated: like these
and some I have to say I like, you know, for the art.

…

You can censor me but you can't shut me down. Just ask my husband.

Linda — Thu, 07 May 2009 09:41:00 +0000

So, I went to a party. No news there.

I took pictures. No news there.
I let people draw on me. No news there.
I posted a picture of the drawing on Facebook. No news there.

Until… a few hours later when FB gave me a warning, then pulled it.

So, I’m posting the picture here.
No news there.
My new best friend, Kathleen drew that lovely anatomically correct body part, though some of the guys thought it a bit stubby and stubbly. My arm was the guinea pig for her art, as she boasted it was her forte’ in college to tattoo foreheads of sleeping people in such a manner. And seeing as there were a few sleeping partiers by this time of the morning… well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I should back up. The party started like this:
beautiful warm, sunny late afternoon on the lake, 60 fun guests, bartender, captain and caterers in a luxury 120′ houseboat complete with music, booze, food, TV, Derby, poker, dancing and celebrating an early Cinco de Mayo.
Did I say there was booze?
as the sun set, there were games:
all masterminded by the host, Martini and his lovely wife.

Hey look, it’s Toby’s Angels. ( the guy who almost got the tattoo… but he woke up and started drinking again.)

Once again, I met loads of cool new folks, exchanged info, added FB friends and even have plans to catch up to a family on our next beach trip, as they have a cute daughter the same age as my son. See, I am always on the look out for everyone’s best interest. Just another day as a party girl. Best images I missed with the camera?
One guy’s wife sleeping sitting straight up on one end of a long long couch and one gal’s husband sleeping face down on the other end. Oh, yeah, and there was also some guy who wanted EVERYONE to get in the hot tub nekked. We ran into him on the lower level … when he was wearing a towel. Just a towel.

I love my friends.
And to quote Jerry… “The best day of my life was when my best friend bought a houseboat.”

A funny, from McSweeney's

Linda — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:21:00 +0000

I’ve written a few of these McSweeney-like lists, even had a few published. Dooce linked to one on her Twitter today. ( which is going to read like Portuguese to my mother) but here, I offer you two more.

What Could Have Been.

BY COLIN PERKINS

- – - -

The Life My Mother Planned for Me

A+

NYU

Ph.D.

HMO

IRA

The Life I Planned for Me

NFL

L.A.

ESPN

MVP

VIP

Double D

USA! USA! USA!

The Life I’m Living

ADD

GED

DUI

IHOP

SOB

WTF

Tenth-Graders’
Favorite Suggestive
Terms From Geometry.

BY MARK AMUNDSEN

sextant

strip group

side-angle-side congruence

point of osculation

circle packing

Wang tiles

spherical excess

writhe number

homomorphism

squircle

Sierpinski sponge

circumellipse

annulus

self-dual configuration

screw rotation

head

ball

some of lists I’ve posted here:

this one

that one

The other ones, I have to find. I sure have enough of them… post hard drive crap out anyway.

Soon to be a Major Motion Picture

Linda — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 10:38:00 +0000

Man accused of drunken horse riding in snowstorm.

Thu Jan 29, 10:28 pm ET

CODY, Wyo. – A man has been cited for public intoxication while riding a white horse during a snowstorm in the northern Wyoming town of Cody.

Police say they cited 28-year-old Benjamin Daniels after they received a call Sunday afternoon from a motorist concerned that a man was creating a road hazard by riding his horse on a street in conditions with poor visibility.

Cody Assistant Police Chief George Menig says officers noticed Daniels was intoxicated after they stopped him to explain that drivers were having difficulty spotting his slow-moving white horse.

Menig said Thursday that Daniels was detained Sunday and released the following day. He will go before a municipal judge later.

A friend of Daniels picked up the horse.

There was no telephone listing for Daniels.

Saying Goodbye to a Comedic Dynasty.

Linda — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:55:00 +0000

You’ve all seen them. The wild and sometimes disturbing t-shirts of T-Shirt Hell. My confession? I find even the creepy ones quite smart.

Well, it will be over soon. here’s a message from the owner/creator:

I’m done. I’m finished. I can’t take the stupidity anymore, so I’m leaving and I’m taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more.

No, I’m not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we’re not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I’m not going to jail (yet) and no, it’s not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week.

I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I’ve accomplished that and am satisfied with what we’ve put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I’ve done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I’ve even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point.

I just don’t feel like dealing with idiots anymore.

Wow. I would love to be able to say that… just the last part I mean.

Here’s some of the shirts this company is famous for-

and even more here.with a WARNING or two.

My birthday’s in March.

Compliments of my 14 year old son

Linda — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:14:00 +0000

It’s true.
Every fortune cookie saying automatically becomes funnier if you add these 3 words: IN THE BED.
try it.

A closed mouth gathers no feet. in the bed

He who throws dirt is losing ground. in the bed

You can always find happiness at work on Friday. in the bed

Do not mistake temptation for opportunity. in the bed

A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition. in the bed

The greatest danger could be your stupidity. in the bed

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at. in the bed

He who laughs last is laughing at you. in the bed

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. in the bed

A cynic is only a frustrated optimist. in the bed

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind, and won’t change the subject. in the bed

It doesn’t matter. Who is without a flaw? in the bed

The world may be your oyster, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get its pearl. in the bed

Flattery will go far tonight. in the bed

now back to your regular programming.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Linda — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:08:00 +0000

Top dishonors in writing go to Washington man

BREAKING NEWS directly quoted from the AP:7 hours ago

SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP) — A grotesque comparison of a steamy love affair to a New York City street has won a Washington man this year’s grand prize in an annual contest of bad writing.

Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer, took top honors in San Jose State University’s 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest with this opening sentence to a nonexistent novel:

“Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped ‘Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.’”

The contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel “Paul Clifford” famously begins “It was a dark and stormy night.”

Entrants are asked to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Awards are given for many categories, including awards for “purple prose” and “vile puns.” The top winner receives a $250 prize.

Other noteworthy submissions:

“‘Toads of glory, slugs of joy,’ sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words.”

_ Alex Hall, Greeley, Colo.

“Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater — love touches you, and marks you forever.”

_ Beth Fand Incollingo, Haddon Heights, N.J.

On the Net:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com

Why do you blog?

Linda — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 11:36:00 +0000

It‘s not bad enough that we judge ourselves every time we look in a mirror, see ourselves in a photo, hear our out-going message on the voicemail… now we have opened ourselves up to a blogosphere that may not accept us.
They don’t understand, we whine. They didn’t get the joke. I stink at this. Who reads this shit anyway? Why does it matter? What am I supposed to say? Why do I have so many hits and so few comments? Who did I offend now?
I hear all of this from new bloggers and sometimes from people who have been doing it for a while. Bloggers come in all packages. They want to announce something good and new: a company, a book, a baby, a pet, a move. They want to help a cause: themselves, their business, a disease, weight loss, child rearing, a political movement.
There are the comment whores who will write and ask anything for the feedback, sometimes resorting to the contest giveaway. I have been know to name drop in the title just to see how many random hots it will bring in.
There are the intelligent writers who ramble on so long my blackberry thumb tires on the scroll button. There are the cutesy Mommy bloggers and the REAL Mommy bloggers. There are men who think they are Mommies and men who hate Mommies. there are the fashionistas and the anti- everythings and there are the rip-off bloggers: they take whatever they find elsewhere on the internet and post it on their site, like, “Look, I have chosen all the news fit for you. Today.”
Somedays, it just feels like so much work, but when you’re away for a week and not posting or commenting daily and your traffic comes to a screeching halt- dropping you more than 600 spots in the blogroll, you feel kind of crappy. Like you failed a really important test in high school- which happens to be a recurring nightmare for me.
So, what kind of blogging am I to resort to?
or better question: what kind of blogging have I been doing?
Is it bad to say I write about the things I do, the people I meet, the stuff I think odd or funny?

I was talking to a writer friend and we both agreed that we are the kind of people that THINGS HAPPEN TO. He said it was that we were receptive to it, not that we went looking for it- because honestly, I could have gone anywhere to have my brows shaped and only one waxer would have told me the story of giving the beautiful virgin bride her first Brazilian Bikini wax job.
Maybe that’s the answer. I’ll start telling you all the weird happenings, all the things I usually save for short stories and characters in the novel. As long as you promise not to steal them.

Linda Sands » funny

Let’s talk about food and state fairs.

Isn’t it ironic?

Let's talk books. And book covers.

You can censor me but you can't shut me down. Just ask my husband.

A funny, from McSweeney's

Tenth-Graders’Favorite SuggestiveTerms From Geometry.

Soon to be a Major Motion Picture

Man accused of drunken horse riding in snowstorm.

Saying Goodbye to a Comedic Dynasty.

Compliments of my 14 year old son

It was a dark and stormy night.

Why do you blog?

Tenth-Graders’
Favorite Suggestive
Terms From Geometry.